Why is it that it’s become more socially acceptable for a vulva-owner to own a vibrator or other pleasure product, but if a penis-owner buys a Fleshlight or other pleasure product geared towards penises, they’re perverted?
There is a stigma around all things sex in our country, but “male” sex toys, or sex toys made for penis-owners and their partners, have an extra layer of stigma icing that damages every one of us.
Think about it. In typical gender roles and stereotypes, one would assume a vulva-owner has a sex toy or two for masturbation, while if a male has a toy, it means he isn’t good enough with his hands, or he isn’t “getting enough.”
Once in a group session, a vulva-owning partner said, “you have me; why do you need a Fleshlight designed after some woman’s vagina?”
WHAT?!
What kind of pressure are we putting on the penis-owners in our lives?
I met this person with a question in return, “you have him… why do you need your hands, alone time, or any sex toy you own?”
While I genuinely meant this as a question, after hearing it, this person turned beet red and said, “I guess I’m biased and insecure.”
*BREAKTHROUGH*
YES! We all have biases, insecurities, and programming from years of unconscious thinking. Did you know that about 95% of our thoughts throughout the day are UNconscious? That means to change the stigma around sex toys and pleasure products for penis-owners, we have to be conscious and deliberate in re-writing our narratives and unlearning the societal narratives around these things.
So much of the sexual exploration/liberation movement has been geared towards vulva-owners. Still, it’s not sexual liberation if we aren’t allowing penis-owners the SAME freedom to explore & learn. We don’t use sex toys because *our hands aren’t enough*. They add fun, excitement, newness & encourage exploration not just for partnered play but also for solo play, which is what we want!
In the last few years, with the rise of taking sexual assault allegations seriously, it feels like almost ALL penis owners are shamed for pleasure, sexual needs, & desires. Sometimes, it seems like when we are advancing in some ways, and we backtrack in others. We can be two things at once, or five or ten!
We can demand change AND still love the penis owners in our lives by encouraging them to explore themselves with whatever sex toys make them feel GOOD. We can’t shut down male sexuality and shame penis-owners simply for having a penis and being a sexual human. It’s essential that all genders feel encouraged to have a happy, healthy, and safe(r) sex life.
In America, nearly 80% of vulva-owners own a vibrator, while only 45% of men own or use sex toys regularly. The average vulva-owner uses sex toys because it enhances the experience & orgasm. Sure, most bodies could *probably* orgasm from fingers alone, but that’s not the point.
Casting judgment or shade towards men for wanting the same enhancement & pleasure is genuinely unkind. Sure, most penis-owners can reach climax by hand, but we should be encouraging exploration! (One of the only “shoulds” I’ll get behind!) It’s so fun to explore our bodies ourselves and with partners.
Three Things You Can Do to Help Break the Stigma of “Male” Sex Toys AKA Sex Toys for Penis-Owners
#1 Bring Toys into Partnered Play
If you’re a penis-owner and you’re feeling uncomfortable about the idea of using a sex toy solo, try starting with a toy meant for you and a partner. If you’re a vulva-owner with a penis-owning partner and you’re feeling uncomfortable bringing up the topic of using a pleasure product or sex toy on their penis, start with a toy designed for both of you to use!
A great example of a toy that can be used together is the Quickshot Vantage.
The Quickshot Vantage is half of the size of a typical Fleshlight and has open ends on both sides to use as a stroker! It can be used as extra stimulation during oral sex or as a fun addition to hand job play.
Using a toy together, you can begin to feel more comfortable bringing it into your self-sex practices. And, if you’re reading this and thinking, “lady, you’re crazy, I would much rather just break the stigma by trying things by myself,” then you go! It has just been my experience that penis-owners feel extra comfortable trying sex toys with their partners for the first time. (Of course, this is anecdotal and not true for all penis-owners!)
#2 Encourage Exploration of Toys During Masturbation / Solo Sex
No matter what genitals you have or were born with -- encourage your partners to use toys and explore during their solo sex time! Often, we make assumptions like, “my partner won’t like it if I use a toy when I masturbate.” These assumptions come from all of the factors we discussed above, like social norms and media, and they stop us from trying new things.
Sex toys and pleasure products cannot replace an interpersonal relationship, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with using toys in your masturbation practices. In fact, as a sex therapist, I think it’s important to psychologically try new things and feel different sensations and ways you can be brought to orgasm. Just like you learn new things about your body with other partners, you can learn things about your body with toys, too!
#3 Examine and Reflect on Your Feelings (Shame, Included!)
Most of the time, when we feel judgment towards others, it’s probably coming from a place of insecurity within ourselves. Because masturbation is becoming a more widely normalized conversation, we will still have opportunities for self-growth. Recently, a client was mentioning that she can only orgasm when she’s alone, masturbating. I asked her what it would look like if she & her partner masturbated together to teach him how her body works and have a new experience together. She felt uncomfortable with this because she thought it was too personal to see each other masturbate.
Because there’s so much shame surrounding sex & sexuality, it’s SO much easier to say, “You’re weird for wanting to do that,” than it is to stop & ask ourselves WHY we are uncomfortable. New can be uncomfortable, but new doesn’t have to mean ‘bad.’ It might inherently feel awkward encouraging male masturbation with sex toys because we’ve been conditioned to believe it’s weird. But encouraging people to have that freedom & sexual exploration leads to so much more confidence, happiness, & vulnerable conversations because we know ourselves even better. We are no longer harboring that dark, icky shame when we let each other be free to explore. Penis-owners deserve that SAME, EXACT freedom!
No matter how you choose to start de-stigmatizing sex toys for penis-owners, it’s imperative to do something. So, commit to one of the things above and put it on the calendar in the next two weeks! If that starts with a conversation, schedule it. If you want to bring a toy into partnered play, start looking into some partnered toys (and ask your partner what they like!), and if you’re going to try something yourself, get to purchasing! (Can I recommend the Quickshot Vantage again?!) We are in a new era of sexual freedom, where we can truly learn what and who we love -- why wouldn’t we live that life to its fullest extent?
This article was authored by psychotherapist, sexologist, and educator, Rachel Wright, MA, LMFT. Follow her on Instagram to learn more about her work!