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Jun 01, 2011

The 7 Craziest Things Ever Done To Get Laid

FROM CRACKED.COM It's no secret that most great accomplishments in human history made by men were done in the name of impressing the opposite sex. Men would not become astronauts if it did not afford them the opportunity to tell women at parties that they are astronauts. Yet, some men still find ways to go above and beyond -- risking life, limb and country in the name of boobies.
#7. Man Breaks Out of (and Back Into) a Nazi POW Camp for Sex
Getty Horace Greasley was a 20-year-old Czechoslovakian hairdresser when Hitler invaded his country and he was forced to enlist in the army. It turns out cutting hair doesn't translate well to fighting Nazis because Horace was immediately taken prisoner on his first mission and sent to a POW camp in Poland. Getty "They trained us to fight cowlicks, not fascism!" Most people in this situation would be too distracted by the abject horror of being a Nazi prisoner of war to be on the lookout for the ladies. Most people aren't Horace Greasley. Greasley met Rosa Rauchbach -- the young daughter of the quarry director of his labor camp -- and they quickly fell for each other. Greasley decided fuck it, if he's going out, he's going out in style: by having kinky prisoner sex. But after almost a full year of salacious boning right under the Nazi's noses, Greasley was transferred to a different camp, and that's where this story goes from merely awesome to balls-out insane. Via The Telegraph Yes, that's Greasley staring down Heinrich Himmler. Turns out being the only one around getting laid on the regular gives you a ton of confidence. Greasley wasn't going to let a couple of little things like the Nazi army and some shitty World War sequel get in the way of consummating his love. With the help of some buddies, he tunneled under the wire fence of his camp and tasted freedom. He could have easily hoofed it to the nearest neutral country and been done with the damn war, but instead risked everything to satisfy his carnal urges. The cheeky Czech walked to Rauchbach's camp, sneaked in, had a little sex and sneaked out again. Then he went back to his camp and sneaked back in as if nothing happened. He didn't just do it once, either -- he'd do this exact routine three times a week. For five years. Via The Telegraph "It was that, or jacking it quietly into a sock for five years." Either he was insanely stealthy or the German guards were absolutely terrible at their jobs. It was like a real-life version of The Great Escape -- if, instead of freedom waiting at the end of the journey, it was another prison ... with a vagina inside. And they never caught him -- the only thing that stopped Greasley from continuing the most dangerous sex regimen in history is the fact that World War II ended and he was set free. Getty He was "seriously bummed" when he realized that girls outside the prison camp usually required that he use a condom. He certainly wouldn't be the last guy to let a fence stand between him and his lust ...
#6. Inmate Breaks Out of Prison For a Hookup -- Over and Over Again
Getty According to career criminal Steven Jay Russell, from the second he laid eyes on fellow inmate Phillip Morris, it was "lust at first sight," and boning predictably ensued. After the pair was paroled, Russell was arrested for fraud and sent back to prison, where his thoughts became consumed with escape and resuming his relationship with Morris, who was still free. You know, because how are you going to have sex with a dude if you're in prison? The answer is trapped somewhere within the moist confines of this Jim Carrey movie. Russell used a prison phone to impersonate a judge and somehow got his own bail reduced, securing his release. The reunion with his lover would not last -- he was quickly arrested again after his check bounced. Back inside, he signed up for art classes and sneaked out green markers that he used to color his prison clothes so that they'd look like a doctor's uniform, then walked right the hell out. Again. But then he was caught soon after. Again. You see, he was usually easy to find because all police had to do was locate Morris -- and that's where Russell would be. That still did not prepare the great state of Texas for Russell's last and most convoluted con. Russell began to fake the symptoms of AIDS and used a prison typewriter to forge medical documents stating that he had the disease. He was actually declared terminal by the most trusting parole board in history and was granted his freedom. Russell then repaid that trust by phoning the prison posing as a doctor to tell them he had died. He had finally come up with a scam that would keep the authorities off his tail, and let him live out his years with his lover. Getty "Listen, guys, we're going to have to ask you very nicely to please not try and escape. Because we are just ... just awful at our jobs. It's really a problem." But instead of staying dead like he should have, Russell tried to con some money out of a bank (presumably after realizing that even healthy relationships are dependent on financial stability). The FBI was called in, and they arrested him ... then promptly released him after Russell used a cell phone to impersonate an FBI agent and persuaded the real officers to let him go. Russell was finally, finally caught in 1998 and sentenced to 144 years in jail, where he is allowed no human contact at all. Via NPR Have you people learned nothing?! GET HIM AWAY FROM THAT PHONE!!!
#5. Chinese Spy Declared Too Sexy to Arrest
Getty In 1982, FBI Special Agent J.J. Smith recruited a young Chinese woman named Katrina Leung in order to gain information on one of her friends, a PRC activist. Smith was so impressed by Leung that he decided to make her a full-time FBI asset under the impossibly sexy codename "Parlor Maid." Via Not all FBI agents prefer redheads. In 1983, they started boning. Now this would be some awesome spy-on-spy action, if it wasn't for two things: First, both Leung and Smith were married to different people and second, Leung was a double agent; almost immediately after she was acquired by Smith, she turned right around and started feeding classified and unauthorized information back to her Chinese contacts (which she had a lot of, since her supposed job for the FBI was to cultivate Chinese contacts). It took nine years before she was discovered when another agent named Bill Cleveland found a recording of Leung spilling her guts to some Chinese officials. Instead of going to his bosses, Cleveland confronted Smith, who confirmed that it was Leung's voice and that he would be taking action, whereupon he promptly did nothing. Instead, he sent 19 reports to headquarters, all saying, "No, she's cool." If you're wondering why Cleveland never bothered coming forward with this critically important piece of espionage intel, it's because he was busy coming in other directions. That is, he was also boning agent Leung. Getty "Yeah, the FBI is pretty much all about getting laid. We're not even doing surveillance right now- I'm watching the girl's track team practice." To recap, a Chinese spy was boning two different FBI agents, both of whom knew she was feeding intel back to the Chinese, neither of whom turned her in because they wanted to keep banging her. It took another 10 years before someone at the FBI who wasn't currently having sex with Leung realized that she was a double agent, by which time the two guys had fucked up the situation so badly that the case against Leung had to be dismissed on the grounds of misconduct. Getty "You people waste less money chasing monsters and aliens." If you're wondering how people in their position of responsibility could allow their boners to obscure their obligation to protect national security, you ain't seen nothin' yet ...
#4. JFK Risked National Security in the Name of Boobies
Getty If you know about JFK, you know that he was on something of a mission to put his dick in every prominent woman on the planet. And he wasn't exactly cautious about it. He's both receiving and, somewhat inconceivably, giving oral sex right now. First in JFK's line of dangerous liaisons was Inga Arvad. Long before he was president, Kennedy started boning her when he was 24 and still in the Navy -- but she had long been under suspicion of being a Nazi spy. Arvad was the "companion" to Hitler himself for the 1936 Olympics. JFK not only knew he was getting the Third Reich leader's old date, but he also knew that Arvad was under FBI surveillance and that she was strongly suspected of trying to get Navy secrets out of him. Thankfully, the Navy wised up to Kennedy's shenanigans and busted him down to a desk job before he could spill anything valuable ... information-wise. Via Wikipedia Commons We'd compromise national security to hit that. Kennedy's sexcapades didn't exactly end when he became president -- and they didn't get any safer for national security. The man was known to have skinny dipping sessions with his favorite interns in the White House pool -- while the Secret Service stood guard outside. But the Secret Service's entourage duties didn't end there. They were tasked with escorting hookers to JFK's pimp pads, and they worried about the security risks, with good reason. In 1961, Kennedy also had an affair with suspected communist spy Ellen Rometsch, who was working as a prostitute in the U.S. and supposedly reported to the East German embassy. When Kennedy found out about this, he didn't exactly spring into action. His brother Robert, though, took this information slightly more seriously, and deported the alleged commie snitch two months later. Via Spartacus Educational Someone should let Frankenstein's Monster know somebody's been sleeping with his wife. Oh, and Kennedy shared a girlfriend with Mafia don Sam Giancana, whom the CIA had contracted to do something about that Castro guy. So our question: Was Kennedy drawn to dangerous women, both foreign and domestic? Or is it just that if you bang enough women, statistically some of them will in fact be communists, Nazis and mobsters? Kennedy -- trying to remember just how many women he boned in the Lincoln bedroom. Was it four digits, or only three? Though at least he wasn't letting the boning interfere with his job. Unlike ...
#3. King Henry VIII Started a New Religion For His Penis
In the year 1525, King Henry VIII had a problem with Anne Boleyn's pants -- specifically, whether or not he could legally get in them. See, even though he was married to Catherine of Aragon, he wanted to nail Anne Boleyn. Although Boleyn initially resisted, eventually she came around thanks to the prospect of becoming queen. So all Henry had to do was divorce his wife ... but therein lies the rub. Who would want to divorce a woman with such angular hair? Thing is, divorce was not a legitimate answer to anything in 16th century England back in the day, since marriage was considered holy and indissoluble by the Catholic Church -- best case scenario was an annulment, which could only be procured if the marriage had been entered into improperly. So Henry called a council with the Pope where he claimed that Catherine had boned his older (subsequently deceased) brother Arthur before she married Henry, and thus their current marriage was null and void. The Pope turned the request down cold. Pope Clement VII, here pictured giving exactly zero shits. Henry, however, was kind of used to getting his own way and decided to just go ahead and marry Anne anyway. To legitimize the marriage, he passed a whole bunch of acts and proclamations giving himself more and more power over the Church of England, eventually breaking off all ties with the Pope and forming the Anglican Communion. In the process, he repossessed all the monasteries in England, Wales, and Ireland and executed a whole bunch of people who disagreed with his divorce. Anne Boleyn and Henry VIII, hunting Irish Catholics on his private estate. In short, Henry VIII made his own church, declared himself head of it and killed the fuck out of anyone who said different -- all because Anne Boleyn was young, hot and available. And theirs truly was a fairytale romance ... but only if that fairytale was Alice in Wonderland, with Henry playing the Queen of Hearts.
#2. A Kenyan Peace Was Brokered Over a Lack of Sex
Kenyan president Mwai Kibaki and prime minister Raila Odinga had formed a coalition government in 2007, and neither man was all that happy about it. The president and the prime minister agreed to govern together to stop the violence and death that their factions had caused, but the effort was moot since all they did was argue and bicker. The two men were seemingly doing everything in their power to fuck up their country beyond repair. Getty Odinga is the fat dude with an ugly hat, and Kibaki is the fat dude without an ugly hat. After two years of this bullshit, Kenyan women decided they'd had enough and took matters into their own hands by withholding sex until everything was sorted out. In 2009, women's activist groups in Kenya called for a week-long sex strike to force the president and the PM to meet and make peace. So, what? Big freaking deal. A week is nothing! That's half as long as Jedi Fantasy Camp, and there's certainly no sex going on there. Well, there must be some powerful aphrodisiac in the Kenyan water supply, because one BBC correspondent argued that men over there wouldn't last two days without sex. Apparently, Lysistrata was pretty damn true to life. No kidding. One man went so crazy without sex that he sued the women's groups for pain and suffering. The activist leaders thought of everything, too, even paying prostitutes to withhold their services so that men couldn't get illicit nookie. Things went from bad to worse for one of the two men in charge when prime minister Odinga's wife, Ida, publicly endorsed the strike, and was even rumored to have joined it. Via BBC News He looks so pained. Eventually, the president and the (presumably sexless) PM had had enough. The women rejoiced when the men in charge agreed to meet with them and said they would also hold talks to discuss their country's safety and future. After all the fighting and the killing and the pointless bickering, it was good old blue balls that brought these two longtime foes together. Getty "We're still wracked with poverty and disease, but at least everyone's getting off!" The boycott was deemed such a success that to this day, the Kenyan women remember it fondly, one of them boasting that, thanks to their strike, a deal was done within a month. Peace and compromise was attained, at least for a while.
#1. Catherine the Great Governed Around Her Man-Whores
Getty Catherine the Great may not have fucked a horse, but she did have an insatiable sexual appetite: She had 12 high-profile lovers (and an unknown number of, uh, "passing fancies") during her reign, and for 40 years she never had to endure a cold bed. But unlike most sexually promiscuous royalty, Catherine didn't adopt a love-em-and-leave-em or even a love-em-and-execute-em strategy; instead, she just made their dreams come true. Seriously, one tryst with Catherine and you were set for life. Getty Just ask Commodore Ed here. Pretty much all of her favorites were rewarded with land, money and titles; Grigory Orlov, for example, was raised from an artillery officer to a count and so were his three brothers -- Catherine even made one of them a naval commander because, hey -- nepotism. Orlov, however, wasn't cut out for duties more complex than bed-warming, so she gave him loads of money and a palace where he could stay out of the way. Another beau, Grigory Potemkin (because everyone in Russia is a stereotype named Grigory) started off as a common guardsman and finished off as a general and city-builder. Unlike Orlov, Potemkin showed potential in a lot of jobs Catherine assigned him, most notably, his ability to organize threesomes for her. Seriously. Ladies: Would you say no to this man? Her finest moment in power-prostitution, however, came when she invaded Poland because the guy she was nailing wanted to be king. Keep in mind that Russia was by far the biggest kid on the Eastern European playground; she could have thrown her support behind literally any candidate for the Polish throne and she would have had a strong ally, so this was less about political expediency and more about paying for sex with control. Incidentally, if you're wondering how she picked, her mates, she may or may not have used attractive handmaids to "test" prospective suitors. We're guessing these test weren't terribly similar to the ones you took in school. We're guessing this guy had a solid B-average. So what did this Russian sex goddess look like? Must have been something special to keep all the men lined up, right? Let's just take a gander at this arctic fox ... ... who looks less fox-like and more exactly like your grandmother. Shop Fleshlight

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