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Feb 15, 2010

Fleshy Award: The Best Valentines Day Breakup Ever

Having just returned from the XBIZ Awards with the Web Retailer of the Year Award in tow, I felt inspired to come up with an award that would give men a thumbs up for everyday life. As you can imagine, I read tons of great stories on Reddit and Digg about the brave, funny, and creative things men do when it comes to sex and women. For that I give you the Fleshy - an award that will celebrate the achievements of men on the web.

This week's Fleshy Award goes to Reddit user
Rocky_Balboas_Son for giving his cheating girlfriend a 1-2 punch of humiliation on Valentines Day. After catching his lady cheating on him with some chump named Theo (Bill would not approve), Rocky_Balboas_Son turned to Reddit for advice on some sweet revenge. While some said to just to walk away, he just couldn't let her get off that easy. What followed was one of the best Valentines Day breakups in history.

Read More for the full story of bravery and innovation. This week's Fleshy Award goes to Rocky_Balboas_Son on Reddit.

From Rocky_Balboas_Son's Reddit Posting:

"REDDIT, I Have Proof She Cheated On Me and Need a Revenge Plan -- Is This Too Cruel?"

Basically, I asked REDDIT to help me think of a way to get justice while dumping my girlfriend. I never expected the huge response I got, and I sincerely thank everyone for responding. I read every single comment. Almost everything I did was a suggestion I got from you all.

The top suggestion was to just walk away, rise above everything, forget about revenge and suddenly disappear from her life forever. I thought about this seriously for a long time, but finally decided to listen to the only part that matters in that plan: having it be over and then never seeing or talking to her again. Disappearing would mean her trying to contact me for days, and I wanted it to just be over and see the look on her face. Believe it or not, but guys need closure too.


I decided that Valentine's Day was the perfect day to go through with it, but since I'd caught her cheating last week I hadn't thought to get reservations anywhere. Thanks to a fellow redditor, I managed to get a spot for us at a really nice restaurant by the lake (I live in Austin). I told my girlfriend that I'd come over to her apartment before we went out and make some drinks while she got ready.

I had already packed all of her stuff from my own apartment, including the expensive face cream she keeps (and yeah, I jerked off into it so she'll be wearing my facial everyday for months, it was an idea inspired by one of the comments here). I put all of her crap in a travel bag and drove over to her apartment. I left the bag in the car and went in. She busted out some glasses and bottles of liquor for me to make drinks and then got in the shower. While she was in there, I grabbed the bag from my car and put it in her closet. I also hid a 3-pack of condoms in the bag but only left two rubbers in it. She'll probably find them, think I left them accidentally and always wonder if I cheated on her-- we lost our virginity to eachother and never used condoms.

She was still in the shower during this time and I grabbed her cellphone and deleted myself from it. I also looked up "Theo" in her contacts and changed his phone number to mine, for later. After that, I made her a vodka sprite and spit in it a few times. I had a big shot of vodka and waited for her, and when she was dressed we had our drinks. I hate to admit it but she looked really good, so I talked her into giving me some oral as a "warmup for tonight". A lot of the comments told me I should tap it one last time, and I agreed. I made her gag "accidentally" a few times right in the same spot I'd seen her blowing the other guy.

When I was done, I told her that my car was acting funny, so we should take hers instead. I drove us to the restaurant.

This was the part of the date that was supposed to be perfect. We had dinner and wine and I went out of my way to make everything seem normal, giving her the perfect Valentine's dinner. We talked about vacations we'd taken together and how we'd like to go back, I brought up old memories and made her laugh. I asked her where she wanted to be in five years, and she said hopefully married by then. It was hard at times but I was already committed to finishing it.

We were done eating so I excused myself to the bathroom to wash my hands. From there, I made a call to my best friend and told him to pick me up in half an hour. That's all the time I was ever going to give the heartless bitch again.

I came out of the bathroom and paid the bill (give me SOME credit for being a gentleman still) and suggested we take a walk along the lake. THANKS AGAIN to the redditor, because this turned out to be perfect. There was a little dock nearby and we stood on it, and my hands were shaking but I finally called her out.

I asked her if there was anything she wanted to tell me. She looked confused and played it off very well, if I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I probably would have believed her. I let her lie to me and then told her that I knew about Theo, that she'd accidentally called me and I'd caught them fucking around. I told her I'd found him on facebook and seen his fucking bragging updates. While I was telling her this, she started bawling, and I've gotta admit that I was crying a little too. But I kept going and told her how much she'd hurt me, and that I'd been throwing up all week and sick about it. The only thing she kept saying was that she was sorry, the rest of the time she was crying and almost hyperventaling. She would try to interrupt but I kept telling her to let me finish.

I wasn't too sure if I was gonna do this part of the plan but I had nothing else to lose so I said fuck it. I told her that I honestly believed she was the girl I was going to spend the rest of my life with (which was true) and pulled out a jewelry ring box from my coat. I'd gotten it the day before for about $15 in the same gas station as the condoms. I didn't open the box because the ring looked totally cheap, but I told my girlfriend I'd had it for awhile but wasn't going to need it anymore. I threw the box into the lake and it totally looked real because of the tears in my eyes.

She hadn't stopped crying this whole time and was pulling at me and begging me to listen to her and let her talk, over and over again. I don't know how else to describe it, she was having a total feakout and I decided it was the perfect time to walk away.

I told her there was nothing to talk about and nothing she could say-- I never wanted to see her again or talk to her. I told her that I'd left a bag of her stuff in her closet, and if she left anything else to have a friend come get it. I even mentioned that I'd noticed a "bump on me" and was going to the doctor this week and suggested she do the same. I made it clear that this was the last time we would ever talk to eachother, and then gave her the keys to her car back and said "goodbye". She tried to hug me and kept saying "forgive me" but I knew better and backed off.

I walked away and left her there at the dock. My friend was waiting outside the restaurant, and I got in the car with him and went to pick up my car back at her place. While we were on the way, I followed through with the last part of my plan: I sent her a txt message, which she would now think was from Theo since I'd switched numbers. It said, "wtf, your boyfriend emailed me and knows about us. i dont want this drama, don't call or txt me again. seriously." She still hasn't written back.

Yeah, she'll eventually figure it out and think I'm immature, but I honestly don't give a shit anymore. The person who suggested the txt message plan was right-- it's like she got dumped TWICE on Valentine's Day, and you can't say she doesn't deserve it.

So there it is. I did it and actually feel relieved, but a little in shock now. This has literally been the worst week of my life, and I'm not sure how I'll handle it. But I'm glad that I reached out, even if it was to strangers. I can't thank you enough for the majority of you out there being helpful and understanding.

And if all this makes me a dick, I'm prepared to live with it. At least I did something and didn't just get trampled and pitied.

Just one man of many that deserve the non-cheating pleasures of a Fleshlight.

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