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Apr 24, 2013

5 Songs That Are Totally About Masturbation

Maybe it comes with age that our old childhood TV shows and favorite songs begin to seem more and more perverted as we look back at them. Or maybe it was always intended to be but our young innocent minds just couldn't comprehend it. shows us that for some songs, there just isn't any other way to interpret them.

Prostitution may be the oldest profession, but masturbation is the oldest pastime. And while there are many memorable cinematic masturbation scenes-a quick polling of CRACKED deskies produced titles like Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Porky's and American Beauty-only CRACKED intern Ryan Grim could come up with a single song on the topic, and he was masturbating when we asked him. In other words, the Internet could use a definitive list of songs that are totally about masturbating.   Chuck Berry - "My Ding-A-Ling"

"When I was little boy in grammar school,

Always went by the very best rule, But every time the bell would ring, You'd catch me playing with my ding-a-ling."

So many important questions are raised here. Does Berry have some sort of Pavlovian reaction whereby every time he hears a bell, he whips it out and starts going to town? If so, we're not sure that's the very best rule for grammar school, or any school for that matter. In fact, by the time senior year of high school rolled around, with it's 14 bells a day and underage freshman girls, we're guessing things got downright litigious. On second thought, Mr. Berry did grow up in the '30s, and you know what they say about public masturbation and the Great Depression...

  The Violent Femmes -  "Blister in the Sun"

"Let me go on, like I blister in the sun, Let me go on, big hands I know your the one. Body and beats, I stain my sheets, I don't even know why."

If you're getting blisters, you're kneading your ham way too much. And if you're doing it out in the sun, there's a pretty good chance people can see you. In both cases, you've most likely got a problem. The band has recently claimed "Blister in the Sun" is really about a girl who likes big hands. So the "beats/stained sheets" rhyming couplet is, apparently, about making a salad in bed.

The Vapors - "Turning Japanese"

"This I've got your picture, I've got your picture, I'd like a million of you all round my cell. I want a doctor to take your picture, So I can look at you from inside as well. You've got me turning up and turning down, And turning in and turning 'round. I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese."

The great song from the new wave era mixes excessive masturbation and racial insensitivity into one incredibly creepy, undeniably catchy stew. The title implies that too much hand-shandy will leave you squinting like a stereotypical Japanese person-it sounds like the Vapors' parents and our parents read the same pamphlet, "Ways to Scare Your Constantly Masturbating American Child." The way we always chose to look at it: if you punish your baby ferret enough, you can learn a new language.

DiVinyls - "I Touch Myself"

Do we even need to write the lyrics here? You know the damn thing by now don't you? Don't you? Fine, here it is: "I don't want anybody else, And when I think about you I touch myself. Ooh, ooh, ooh, aah."

Whereas most songs about solo sex depend on euphemisms and innuendo, this band of Aussies pretty much says it like it is. And as the '80s documentary Crocodile Dundee demonstrated, there's nothing Aussies do better than shoot from the hip. It's like DiVinyls listened to all the other songs on this list and said, "That's not a song about masti-bayshoon-this is a song about masti-bayshoon." On a side note, where are all of the Australian dudes who kill Crocodiles and make pithy comments about the backwards nature of American life? All the ones we meet seem more interested in having gelled hair and engaging us in drunken conversations about extreme sports.

  Tori Amos - "Icicle"

"And when my hand touches myself, I can finally rest my head. And when they take from his body, I think I'll take from mine instead, Getting off, getting off while they're all downstairs."

Icicle" is our first entry from a woman and-surprise, surprise-it's Tori Amos. For some reason, she's always come off like a chronic masturbator. Maybe it's her boring, introspective music videos. Or maybe it's the time she sent us that unsolicited humor submission about how she wore down the knob on her clit-hitter. Sorry, Tori, it just wasn't right for us, but feel free to contact us with any questions. And in case you're wondering how a Tori Amos song made it onto a "Best of.." anything list, the simple answer is that we were lesbians in college.

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